The “U” in Ubuntu is for YOU
What the philosophy of Ubuntu teaches us about self-compassion
This is a love letter for the community participators, implementers, planners, doers and givers. For the achievers and investors of emotional and mental resources. For the parents and partners. This is for the lovers and respecters of abantu. You may, no, should, pour into yourself, as a valued member of the communities you love. You are also a person.
This is also a reflection for myself, as I rest and reimagine my contributions and duties as a healer and teacher. Come along with me into this reminder that ubuntu is not only what we extend to others, it is a principle that includes us - we are people too.
Remembering Me
Sometimes when I am overwhelmed and exhausted, and my kids all want a piece of me because all they see is their mother, I have to tell them:
“Ngiw’muntu nami!”
Hey, I am a person too!
It is to teach them that I exist as myself even within my relationship and duty to them as a mother.
When I am speaking up for my personal space and time, I evoke precisely the idea of being umuntu — a person.
My kids have to recognise that I am a person and they have to let me be. It is part of their ubuntu duty towards me to let me have space.
In this Love Letter, let’s explore what it means to uphold Ubuntu in relation to yourself.
Ubuntu is a social ethic that connects us to others. And to connect with others, we must have a sense of deep connection and comfort with ourselves.
Honouring Ubuntu
In Ancestory, I explain that ‘Ubuntu’ is not some dictatorship of the community that removes our individuality because
“Ubuntu implies that there is such a thing as a ‘person’ who has their personhood.”
For those of us who understand the idea of ‘ubuntu’ in its proper African meaning, we have always experienced and understood it to mean there is a ‘you’ — the ‘person’.
Now, if the ‘person’ that is you in ubuntu has duties and responsibilities towards others, that tells us that you have to be of the condition to be at your most human.
If we misinterpret ubuntu to mean carrying exploitative or overwhelming burdens, it leads to resentment, disillusion, and cynicism.
When ubuntu burns us out and drains us of resources, we end up anxious about being kind, and may altogether avoid social and kinship bonds, roles and responsibilities.
At work, the abuse of your ubuntu may dampen your view of people and turn you from being a supportive manager and leader into a cynic who no longer gives staff the benefit of the doubt.
As a once enthusiastic employee who gave extra time at work, it may make you quiet-quit and give the bare minimum because you feel taken advantage of.
Honouring Me
With the increasing daily demands of the modern world especially, the abuse of ubuntu is experienced as a denial of ourselves and our limits, and ubuntu becomes inherently oppressive and repressive to the individual.
To prevent feeling hopeless or disillusioned it is time to see that there is ‘U’ in Ubuntu.
In African languages, the ‘u’ is that ungendered prefix that refers to you — ‘u-muntu’, the ‘u’ is a very deep grammar that refers to your specific existence in all space and time.
Whether at work or at home, wherever the demands begin to take you for granted — remind everyone ‘Ngingumuntu nami!’ — ‘I am a person too!’.
By doing so, we are asserting that our individuality matters.
We can assert individuality without being narcissistic or self-absorbed about it.
As we give help, we can receive help.
As we extend compassion, so we can practice self-compassion.
As we invest in our loved ones, so we can invest in ourselves.
As we instill boundaries to protect our children, parternships and families, same goes.
What enriches and nourishes us, nourishes our community.
We too are people, we are members of our families and communities that we love and care for. Caring for others should not harm us.
Care is an investment, not a sacrifice.
Self-neglect is not a high honour or virtue. Self-neglect is betrayal.
Love this insight. I've always felt despondent on the current state of Ubuntu as it has been taught to me as self-sacrificing and exploitative. Can I ask if you can maybe write a long post or a article on tips to maintain individuality while giving back to others? I feel like for me, I always jump inbetween extremes of not giving or overriding.